Thanksgiving can be a beautiful time of reconnection and quality time with friends and family. But for many, it also stirs up old emotions and patterns that seem to be triggered out of nowhere. Do you suddenly feel defensive when your parent comments on your life choices, or anxious when you’re asked about your career or relationships? Or, as a parent, do you struggle not to nag or criticize your adult children in ways you might have when they were young?
These reactions often aren’t about the present moment at all; they’re echoes of the past. In psychology, this is what we refer to as emotional regression: when being around family unconsciously brings us back to the roles we played in the past. As the adult child, you might, without realizing it, find yourself slipping into roles like the “peacemaker,” the “overachiever,” or the “quiet one.” As a parent, you might seize the opportunity to “re-parent” your adult child in ways that may stir up their resentment. Old patterns resurface because our brains associate family dynamics with deeply rooted memories of safety, approval, or rejection.
In the 60’s, psychiatrist Eric Berne wrote about transactional analysis and the idea that we take on one of three roles in every interaction. We are either the parent, child, or adult in every communication transaction. If someone talks to you as the critical parent, it can automatically trigger all the emotions and behavior of the sullen child or the angry, defensive teenager. If someone takes on a child-like role, it may trigger an authoritative, controlling, or critical parental response. The goal is to seek and maintain healthy communication patterns whereas both adults act like healthy adults. Berne simply called this goal Adult-Adult communication, and held it as the ideal for healthy relationships.
How Do We Handle the Turkey in the Room?
So, as we enter the holiday season, what is the secret to a harmonious and healthy time with our loved ones? The key starts with awareness. Before your gathering, reflect on which situations tend to activate those familiar feelings or old patterns of behavior. Analyze how and when you take on the role of parent, child, or adult as well as how your family members respond. What is preventing you from having an adult-adult communication style and how can you shift the dynamic?
Next, affirm your intentions and goals for the holiday. Imagine a different response when the old patterns emerge and create a new vision in your mind of the healthy adult you want to be. When you need to regroup, imagine a temporary escape plan, such as going outside and grounding yourself with a few slow breaths and positive intentions. Remind yourself that you are no longer the child (or parent) navigating that same dynamic. You have new tools and boundaries.
Set Boundaries That Protect Your Holiday
Boundaries don’t ruin relationships; they protect them. Yet, during the holidays, we often fear that saying “no” or establishing new (healthier) traditions might come across as selfish or ungrateful. The truth is, however, that healthy boundaries can make Thanksgiving more joyful for everyone.
A boundary is simply a line that protects your peace. It could mean deciding how long you’ll stay, what topics you’ll engage in, or how you’ll respond when someone crosses the line. For example, if a political comment comes up that you find offensive, respond as the healthy adult, saying something like, “Let’s enjoy our time together today and not talk about politics in a way that might be triggering for each other.” The adult would say this in a kind and compassionate but firm manner.
Communicating calmly and respectfully helps others understand that your limits aren’t rejection, but are, instead, self-respect. If certain topics or people tend to drain you, plan your responses in advance. Pair assertiveness with warmth: use “I” statements, gentle tone, and even humor when appropriate.
But, a word of caution. Patterns develop over many years, so be patient with yourself and others as you try to create change. Change takes time, and baby steps are still steps in the right direction. When you notice tension rising, pause and ask yourself: “Is this feeling about today, or is it an old story resurfacing?” Am I feeling like the parent, child or adult right now in this interaction? How do I get back to the adult I want to be?
By noticing the past, you take away its power to control the present. That awareness can turn a triggering moment into an opportunity for growth, compassion, and genuine connection. Happy Thanksgiving and may the “Turkey” appear only on the dinner table and not in the room
Orange County Health Psychologists offers both in person and remote telehealth therapy services to support you and/or your family members during the holiday season and throughout the year. Contact us to schedule a consultation or appointment with one of our specialists.